Chasing Rainbows

I've been totally MIA because I am an idiot. My friend told me that she earned $101 selling her kids clothes to a used-clothing store. I spent weeks trying to do the same. Did you read that? Trying. As in, unsuccessful. Apparently, her kids' clothes have golden thread or something 'cause that store sure did not want to shell out big bucks for mine. So, then I became determined to sell it for the highest price possible and jumped in on a consignment sale. Still I did not match the dollar amount. Nope, but I did spent probably quadruple the amount of time dealing with mountains of clothes. So. Not. Worth. It. I don't have time to use the restroom. Why would I think taking two complete weekends to tag clothes was a good idea? It's not like my house is a complete wreck or anything. I mean, we don't have so much junk lying around that we trip on something every time we walk through a room. Heck, no. And we are certainly not tripping over the 6 garbage bags of clothes I have lying around that I am now GIVING AWAY (aka Not getting one measly penny for them). Why didn't I just give them away to begin with instead of putting so much work into this? And why the heck do I buy so many darn clothes to begin with? Crazy, I tell ya'! Mama Said

Hence the Name: HOT Cocoa!

Yup, earned me another Worst Mom of the Year Awards. And right after I spent two hours freezing my toes off for BFG to sell Girl Scout Cookies, too. That kind of just doesn't seem fair.

It all started at the cookie booth really. My mom came to buy cookies and, of course, gave me money to buy BFG hot cocoa because I'm obviously to incompetent to care for my own child. Although, by the time the whole hot cocoa incident was over, I think she may be right.

For whatever dumb reason, the girls are not allowed to eat or drink at the booth. So, we had to wait until we were thoroughly frozen and our two hours were over before we could get our cocoa. Being the cheapskate that I am, I decided that the bookstore coffee shop's (where we had the booth) prices were too high and that we would go to the gas station to get cocoa for her and coffee for me.

So, off we go to the Golden Gallon! I fill hers up first so it can be cooling while I'm fixing mine. It sat for a looong time with no lid while I went all Starbucks on my coffee. Of course, I now know I would never qualify for a job at Starbucks because I totally ruined my coffee. I finally finished and put cold half and half in BFG's cocoa and stirred it, blew on it, tasted it, and everything to ensure it was drinkable. I slap a lid on it, hand it to her, and tell her to be careful because it may still be a little too hot for her, but I think it's okay.

We are walking up to the register to pay. I turn around and realize BFG has taken a drink and it is burning her mouth! She is holding it in her mouth because she doesn't want to spit it out on the floor! The girl at the register was getting ready to wipe down the counter because the people before us had spilt their coffee. I thought fast and screamed, "Give me your paper towel" and grabbed the paper towel out of her hand and held it up to BFG's mouth for her to spit out the cocoa.

We're in rare form by that point. BFG's is squalling and in pain. The salesclerk has no idea what is going on and cannot keep up with our madness. I scream out Water! and run for the bottled water dragging a wailing BFG behind me. I grab a bottle of water (after noting the cheapest one I might add) and shove it into BFG's mouth.

We make it back to the counter to pay for our drinks and the clerk starts talking about my Vera Bradley purse and showing me hers and her wallet and telling me how much she spent on them and who got her into them, yada yada. I'm thinking 1) I only have this purse because my mom bought it for me, 2) I just burned my child who is still standing here crying which translates into this is not the time to discuss the merits of Vera Bradley purses!!!! and 3) you obviously have no kids because another mother would not be having this conversation with me right now!!! Are you kidding me?

She did offer BFG a cup of ice which made her pretty happy. As we are getting in the car, I realize that I don't think she charged me for the water. Crap! But fortunately for me, she is a smoker and had already stepped outside for a smoke. The unfortunate part was that the only thing between me and her was a policeman in his car. Still, I went ahead and yelled out, Did I pay for the water? She blanched and said she wasn't sure. Then, she said yeah, yeah, you did. You did. Don't worry about it. Y'all, I really don't think I did. Unless the coffee was on sale. I looked around for a sign and didn't see one. So, I'm trying to tell myself it was really like I got a free coffee because for some reason that makes me feel better about the whole thing. Oh, and the cop was too busy on his cell phone to notice that I possibly walked off with a "free" water.

So, I left the gas station with a burned child, a ruined coffee, a bottle of water with one drink out of it, a cup of ice, and a hot chocolate the she finally drank cold. Oh, and all the hubbub made me forget to pick up my thyroid meds at the pharmacy. So, that will cost us another $5.00 and hour's time to drive back to town to get those. I'm kinda wishing I'd just shelled out the extra few dollars for drinks at the bookstore because I ended up spending way more. When will I learn?
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

I think I'll will NOT start off with the best one. We did NOT go to Wal-Mart on Saturday to buy BFG a new bike. NO WAY! You will NOT catch me in Wal-Mart on a Saturday and esp. NOT Rhett. We were so NOT there. And while we were NOT there, I did NOT have a list of 10 other things to "pick up" while we were there. And I was so NOT getting on Rhett's nerves as I'm trying to look at everything as we walk around. Knowing how much Rhett LOVES when I get distracted shopping, I was NOT trying to just gaze around as much as possible while walking and getting the items on my list while he did NOT push the buggy behind me and BFG. BFG and I did NOT turn off into the hairspray aisle while Rhett waited out in the main aisle. WHATEVER! Rhett LOVES to be involved in every minute purchase and ADORES my indecision and prolonged deliberation. So, I did NOT walk back out to the main aisle with the hairspray in one hand and holding BFG's hand with the other and my head turning every which way taking in all the surrounding items as quickly as possible. And since I was being SO careful and paying SUCH close attention, I absolutely did NOT, did NOT, did NOT put my hairspray in another waiting man's buggy! Who would do that? Seriously! It's NOT like the man was 15 years older than Rhett and had glasses and a mustache. How could this have happened anyway? It's NOT like Rhett had totally ditched us and was no where to be seen. And BFG did NOT realize what I was doing AT ALL and totally did NOT stay quiet and let me make a fool of myself. NO Way! And as I'm NOT putting my hairspray in the man's buggy, he did NOT say, "Nope! You've got the wrong one!" and did NOT try to move his buggy out of my reach. I was so NOT embarrassed! And we did NOT see him and his wife everywhere we went in the store after that. That kind of stuff NEVER happens. Boy, I sure am glad we did NOT go Wal-Mart!

Later that night, we did NOT make BFG take a bath for church the next morning. And I did NOT hear her screaming while she was supposed to be washing her hair. Of course, since this wasn't happening, I did NOT run as fast as I could to the bathroom (all of 15 feet away) and pictures of blood and razors so did NOT run through my mind. I did NOT reach the bathroom to discover no blood (yea!), but a very distraught BFG with the shampoo bottle. I was NOT so upset that I jerked the shampoo bottle away from her so that she could calm down and tell me what was wrong. However, the problem was NOT that the shampoo was attached to her chest! She had NOT been trying to close it and it did NOT pinch her skin into the cap. I did NOT have no idea and had NOT just ripped it off of her. NO WAY! And she did NOT cry forever making me feel like total crap (after I could come out from behind the shower curtain where I was NOT laughing at the absurdity of it). I am just so glad that this NEVER happened and I'm SO one of those moms that ALWAYS stays in the bathroom while their child takes a bath. I would so NEVER leave my child alone in the bathroom even if I had NOT convinced them touching the faucet results in the penalty of hospitalization and they are old enough and quite capable of bathing themselves except for the occasional shampoo bottle monster. ;)

Happy Not Me-ing!

Mama Said

Aaaaaah! Spring!

Nothing tells you that Spring is near like being whistled at in Wal-Mart's parking lot.

Yeah, it really happened. Believe it or not. I have BFG as a sworn witness. (Okay, so it's been a really long time since that's happened. We're talking years here, people!)

Either I looked really hot today or that guy has been suffering from some major cabin fever and I'm the first gal he saw. I'm thinking the latter. It was a hard winter.

Of course, I told BFG it's because she has a hot mama. I love saying stuff like that to her! She's at the age where she likes it but thinks I'm a little goofy, too. It's funny!

Enjoying the weather,
"Hot" Mama Said

It's All In The Little Things . . .

It hit me today that when I look at the overall "big" things in our life, I really think we're doing okay and we're certainly blessed.

But it's all the little things that get to me and make me feel like a loser . . .

Oh, you know, like when you take your 5 yr. old to the dentist to have her first two cavities filled. You already feel like a loser because you feed your kid candy all the time and she has cavities and for some really dumb reason you had put a 4 1/2 yr. old in charge of brushing her own teeth. But then you show up late in the cold rainy weather with her hair still wet from her bath because you let her stay in the bath too long because you were jabbing on the phone and it was slow-going getting ready because you are tripping over boxes and boxes of Christmas stuff that have yet to be opened after four days of sitting around.

Then, you explain to the dental assistant how nervous BFG is and how she's sensitive to loud noises and you cram ear plugs in her little ears that you bought especially for this (although they will come in handy in defense to Rhett's snoring). It's at that moment you know you are being the overbearing mom just like the ones you hated when you were a teacher and you strive so hard not to be.

And a little too late you realize, she is getting all numbed up right at lunch time and the dentist tells you that she cannot eat anything for awhile. That would be no big deal except he asks you straight up if she's had lunch yet, which of course she hasn't but she should have since most little kids do eat before noon. So, your southern cover-up instincts kick in and you smoothly say, "Oh, she had a late breakfast." And the moment that slips out, you realize you have no idea if she had a late breakfast or not. Who knows what time you fed her? You can't even remember what you fed her. But you did feed her breakfast, right? Whew. Okay, I did do that. Score one for me.

And that was just one hour of my day,
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday: Redneck Edition

I tell you what, the stuff that's been going on around here lately has just NOT been redneck.

• First of all, Rhett did NOT leave for work the other morning with a chicken roosting on the hood of his truck. Whatever! Seriously, who does that happen to? Of course, since this did NOT happen, he did NOT drive a ways down the road before he noticed. And no one would EVER dream that Rhett would try swerving and junk to get the chicken to fly off into oblivion. NOT my Rhett! So, Rhett did NOT have to drive back home and get the chicken off by hand.

• Oh, and while we are NOT on Rhett, we did NOT finally have the chimney sweep come. And we did NOT discover that Rhett's fires have been so big and hot that most of the mortar in the bottom of the fireplace was cracked out and ruined. So, we had NOT one ember away from burning our house down for months. NOT us! We are WAY too savvy for that. So, we are NOT praising the Lord for protecting us from our own ignorance.

• And, by the way, the fireplace people were NOT the quietest workers I have ever, ever heard. NO, NOT at all. They were SO talkative in fact the only thing I heard them say to each other was one asked the other when his baby was due. That was NOT it!

• I did NOT (and I repeat) did NOT spend $60 at Target on 75% off Halloween candy! I know you know that I would NEVER do that! I do NOT raid Target after every holiday! What are you thinking? I HATE a good deal. And I NEVER buy ANYTHING I don't need! Besides, we do NOT even eat candy. Are you kidding? It's NOT like the very next day I took BFG to the dentist and she had two cavities or anything. Oh, please. And since that did NOT happen, I did NOT tell her that she was going to have to stop eating candy all the time. She did NOT say, "But, Mom, what about all that candy we bought yesterday at Target?" And, you know what a conscientious mother I am, so of course, I did NOT reply, "Well, as soon as we eat up that candy, buddy, your candy day's are over." I mean, really. Who would shove $60 worth of candy on a 4 year old with two cavities? NOT me!

• And while at Target, my sister and I did NOT raid the Dollar Spot. What's a Dollar Spot? We are WAY too classy for that! And while we were there, we did NOT discover a bunch of Smurf stuff. And I did NOT come home with $10 or $15 worth of Dollar Spot stuff. And if I did, it would be SO worth it because absolutely NONE of it is junk. And I do NOT now have a Papa Smurf sign that says "Who's Your Papa?" hanging in my study. That is so NOT redneck!

• And, finally, my nephew did NOT find a copperhead snake in our creek. And he did NOT find it because he was about to urinate on it. Whatever! Boys NEVER go to the bathroom outside! And, of course, we were NOT all terrified by the copperhead. My brother-in-law did NOT shoot it. Oh, NO! We welcomed it, gave it a snack, and told it stay awhile. And I am NOT still scared of all the ones that could still be out there.

Happy NOT Me-ing!

Mama Said

Not Me Monday

Well, I absolutely have NOT been moody and hormonal at ALL during fertility treatment. No way! Not me! I have been SO calm and collected. I have NOT yelled at my family, NOT fussed at Rhett non-stop, and absolutely have NOT cried my eyes out over every little ol' thing. I have NOT reamed Rhett out so many times that he did NOT ask me if I was ready to leave him. That's how NOT bad I've been! Of course NOT! I have been the PICTURE PERFECT example of a meek and gentle spirit.

One Sunday morning, Rhett did NOT think he saw a skunk in the neighbor's yard. He did NOT spend the better part of an hour outside trying to decide if it was. And there's NO WAY he started to get his gun to shoot it only to discover that it was NOT the neighbor's little black and white shitz-zu! Whatever! He is so NOT trigger-happy.

The other day I NO WAY, NO HOW accused Rhett of losing one of our big soup mugs. Whatever! That is so NOT me! And I certainly did NOT spend 15 minutes looking through all the cabinets sure that he had misplaced it. And since I did NOT do that, I NEVER in a million years would have found the soup mug a few minutes later in the sink where I had NOT used it a few hours earlier. I am MUCH too with-it for that to EVER happen.

I absolutely did NOT spend an entire day creating Monster Mash videos of my family at Oriental Trading's Monster Mash-up. Seriously, who would spend hours on end doing something like that? It's NOT like I had anything else to do. And it did NOT make me so happy that I actually stayed in a good mood all day. Rhett was NOT relieved to have a break from all my fussing. That's for sure. So NOT relieved that he did NOT watch the videos over and over again with me. If you have NO desire to see what the Monster Mash Up is all about, I highly do NOT recommend you trying it. It was so NOT fun!

Happy Not Me-ing!

Mama Said

A Boo-boo Here and a Boo-boo There

Well, as normal, things are falling apart one by one around here.

Poor ol' Rocky-boy has hurt his back paw. I have no idea what is wrong with it. I think it happened when he jumped in the creek. But he is the limpin'-est (yes, that's a word 'round these parts) most pitiful little thing you ever did see! I really hope it gets better. 'Cause if I have to take him to the vet over it, I'm just gonna have him neutered at the same time. And then Rocky-boy will really be howling a sad tune. Sorry, boy. Betcha won't be jumpin' in the creek anymore, will ya?

Ya'll know Rhett's car has bit the dust and is in the shop. The guy we use fixes cars as a second job so sometimes it takes awhile, but the boy's prices are very worth it. Plus, Rhett can drive the beater truck around so it's really not that big of deal.

Well, believe it or not, on the way to have Rhett's second . . . uh-hum, er . . . "test" done, some lady hit us in my car! We were almost there too. Downtown in the big city. Turning left in a double left turn lane. My blinker was on. But the lady in the other turn lane for some reason thought I was going to go straight and she turned left into my lane bumping us in the process.

It's kind of funny when I think about it. I was turning . . .turning . . . look in the sideview mirror and see a white mustang coming straight at me . . . wait! what's happening here? . . . brrrd brrd brrrd . . . Dang!

Ya'll, I just let that woman go. We were downtown on a bridge over the interstate at lunch time with traffic backing up all around us, my bumper was scratched some but not dented and I don't think knocked out of alignment too bad if at all, our appointment was in 30 minutes, I knew without a doubt I would never get Rhett to come "test" a third time, and I knew we didn't have anymore extra vehicles lying around the farm, you can't file an insurance claim in our state without a police report and I was NOT waiting around for the cops.

I tell you what, a 9 yr. old, paid-for car can be a great blessing at times. It was so much more worth it to get Rhett to his appt and to not be without a car. And think about how I was able to bless that woman. And she was very sweet and very grateful. God is good, I tell ya.

Oh, my parents will be furious when they find out and they will. Even if I buff all the scratches off my bumper, my dad will notice immediately. That's what 30 years in insurance does to ya'. Oh, well. I am a grown-up now and can make my own decisions. I am a grown-up now and can make my own decisions. I am a grown-up now and can . . .
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

First of all, I did NOT attempt to go to 5 stores and a warehouse sale in one day last week. Whatever! I would NEVER do that because I am NOT that dumb. Seriously, who would try to take a 4 yr old to that many places? Not me! And while at the warehouse, I did NOT let BFG get a slap bracelet to play with the first two minutes we were there. That would be insane! And she did NOT spend the next hour slapping it against the buggy making her very own fireworks show. And since she would NEVER do such a thing, she did NOT keep saying, "Mom, mom, watch! Are you ready for this big firework? Huh, mom? Are you ready? MOM! Are you watching?" Naturally, I am such a CALM person that my nerves were NOT totally shot. I'm serious. They were NOT so shot that my teeth were chattering. That is so NOT me to lose my cool like that. So, I certainly did NOT end up uttering through very clenched teeth (to stop the chattering), "I cannot, absolutely cannot watch ANYMORE!!!" To which, BFG did NOT reply, " I know you can't watch, Mom. Okay, are you ready? Now, watch!!!" And, of course, the warehouse was NOT un-air conditioned in 90 degree heat, which made things SO much more fun!

My sister and I did NOT renig on our stance of no yard sales this summer on Saturday. Why would we? We do NOT have so much of our own junk that we have this insane need to go buy other people's. I did NOT have this burning desire to go to yard sales that festered inside me for weeks until I finally went. And, if we did lose our marbles and actually GO to yard sales, we would absolutely, NO how, NO way come home with over 200 Beanie Babies!!! I don't care how much our girls would NOT like them! I don't care how good of deal we did NOT get! We just would NOT do that! I mean really, over 200 Beanie Babies! Puh-lease! NOT us!

BFG and Curly Sue (my niece who lives next door) did NOT get the hare-brained idea of disguising themselves so that the neighbor girl would not recognize them. They did NOT put on wigs and make-up. Oh, NO! NOT them! And, of course, they did NOT stain their clothes with the make-up and drop and break the powder on my bathroom rug staining it, too. Of course, I did NOT give them permission to put on make-up because I was NOT picturing a little glitter and lip gloss. And I knew EXACTLY what they were NOT doing the entire time! 'Cause that's the kind of mom I am. On top of it for sure! And I am NOT posting a picture of the results. Oh, and of course, the neighbor girl had NO idea who they were especially since they had on their favorite clothes they do NOT wear every other day.



Rhett did NOT take a quick trip to the mini-mart on Saturday. NOT him! And if he did, he would NOT arrive home 2 and half hour later. Oh, please. Because he did NOT go to the mart, he did NOT then decide to go visit a cemetery for his "research". He NEVER does that. And since he did NOT do that, he did NOT leave his car running while and he got out only to come back and find his car had died. That's just ludicrous! Stuff like that NEVER happens to him. Seriously, that car has NOT been leaving him stranded since we first met 7 years ago. Of course, it's NOT like he refuses to own a cell phone and had to walk 4 miles to our road to a neighbor's house to call. And, as you can imagine, the road was NOT completely uphill and down at almost vertical inclines the whole way. Naturally, this whole time I was NOT worried one bit about him and did NOT have a gut feeling that something was wrong. Oh, NO. I did NOT spend 2 and half hours saying, "I'm getting worried about him. Something has happened." Because if I was really that worried, I would NOT have gone outside for the second hour and a half and missed his phone call. Oh, well. At least the neighbor's did NOT give him a ride home so he didn't have to walk another 2 or 3 miles.

Aaaah, there's NOT more to tell. But I am sure you are NOT sick of reading by now. Happy Not Me-ing!
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

Wow! This was NOT one of those weeks! NOTHING happened at all! NEVER does around here. So much stuff did NOT happen that this post is incredibly SHORT!


To start off with, I did NOT get all this bread for free! A nearby community does NOT have a big box of day old bread free for the taking every Friday. There was NOT some exceptionally good bread this time. I was NOT greedy at all! NOT me! I did not have so much bread my hands were cramping. In fact, I did NOT have so much bread that I was dropping it on the road as we crossed the street back to our car. I was NOT stuck in the middle of the road laughing so hard that I could NOT pick up the bread without dropping more. Whatever! Who eats bread anyway?


Rhett was NOT making copies at the Register of Deeds for research on the house and the copier did NOT start burning somehow on the inside. And did NOT start putting out copies that were burnt black and brown. And the worker was NOT super calm about it and did NOT say this was an every day occurrence and a new copier was NOT in the budget for 2011. Rhett did NOT tell the lady she had two choices: to either fix it or burn the place down.


My mom was NOT test driving vehicles. She was NOT looking at a Nissan Quest and she did NOT open one of the side doors which did NOT turn out to be an electric door. My mom was NOT unable to let go of the handle and the door did NOT drag her down the side of the van. Who does that? NOT someone I'm related to. That's for SURE!


I am NOT really ashamed of this next one:

BFG and I were NOT in Publix this week. Of course, we were NOT eating samples! We NEVER go to Publix for our lunch or anything either. Publix did NOT have samples of their fresh cherries out. And I did NOT keep going back because they were NOT so delicious and were NOT too expensive for me to buy. And I did NOT eat one more than I let BFG have. When she questioned why she did not get as many as me, I absolutely did NOT reply "because I'm bigger" because the truth was NOT that I was greedy and really, really liked those cherries!


One afternoon, BFG and I did NOT have to meet Rhett at my parents' house. We did NOT grab our jackets on the way out because it was so NOT cold! NO way! NOT in June! We did NOT get a little ways down the road when BFG did NOT say, "Mom, you have an ant on your jacket. No, wait! It's a spider!" I absolutely NO way, NO how, did NOT freak out. I was NOT having a minor panic attack and screaming, "Is it or not? Where is it? WHERE IS IT?!?!?!?" I did NOT terrify BFG who was on the verge of tears and screaming, "I don't know, I don't know! I can't see it anymore!" I was NOT so unable to function that I had to pull off the road. And, since this never happened, I did NOT pull into someone's driveway, jump out of the car, and whip off my jacket (which, in fact, did NOT have a little spider on it). While I'm NOT doing all this, the owners did NOT pull up in their driveway. It was NOT two young men in a pick-up truck either. I did NOT get very embarrassed and say, "Oh, hi! Sorry!" And these nice young men did NOT ask me if I was all right. I mean, come on, why would they? And I did NOT say, "Oh, I'm fine. My daughter just said there was a spider on the back of my jacket." with a huge smile on my face. (I am NOT still wondering why I didn't just tell them there was a spider instead of saying it like BFG made it up or something and I'd pulled over for nothing.) Of course, their was reply was NOT to ask if I needed any help. I did NOT continue talking in the incredibly cheezy, used-car-salesman voice, "Oh, no! Got it! Thanks!" Thankfully, they did NOT drive on down to the house and I did NOT do my impression of Speedy Gonzalez trying to get away from that embarrassing situation. I'm sure I'll NEVER see them again since once my panic attack was over I did NOT realize they are only like five houses down from us.

My sister and I did NOT take the three kids to yard sales on Friday. Whatever! We would NEVER shirk our housework for a day of wheelin' and dealin'. That is just so NOT us! We did NOT walk up to one yard sale and see these awesome adult bikes! All five of us were NOT oohing and aahing over these bikes and making big plans for if we bought them. We did NOT spend so long at that yard sale that we forgot about the bikes. We did NOT go a few streets over to another yard sale and see the same bikes. I did NOT scream out as we pulled up, "Those bikes were not for sale!" My sister and I did NOT get tickled and spend the next 5 or 10 minutes laughing hysterically in the van. And we were NOT embarrassed at all to get out and face the girls who owned the bikes.


While we were yard sale-ing, the kids did NOT buy anything which is NOT the reason each yard sale took much longer than necessary. At one, my nephew did NOT tell the lady that he was 9 years old and a Christian and that they were looking for a church. The lady in turn did NOT get into a long discussion about church with my sister. My niece was NOT buying a stuffed Siberian husky dog from this lady. The nice Christian lady did NOT ask my niece what she was going to name the toy. My niece did NOT reply that she was going to name it "Demon". The lady's face did NOT show her shock whatsoever. My sister did NOT praise the Lord that she remembered that name came from the movie Snow Dogs. And she did NOT try to do a quick cover, "Oh, did you get that name from the movie Snow Dogs?" Despite my sister's admitted embarrassment, I got the impression the lady did NOT regret inviting them to her church one bit! But at least, at the end, my nephew did NOT give the lady a 7 cent tip!

Happy Not Me-ing!
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

First of all, I have to share one of my friend's Not Me!. She doesn't blog and I'm telling ya' the world deserves to hear this story. My friend did NOT take her cat to the vet to have an eye infection treated and did NOT decide to have him neutered while he was there. In surgery, the vet did NOT flip the cat over to NOT find that he had already been neutered! No way! Who takes their already neutered cat in to be neutered? NOT my friend! After all, she did NOT inherit the cat from her sister. And her sister had NOT been pestering her for months to have it done because she had NOT signed paperwork at the shelter saying she would.

On a more somber note, Rhett and I have NOT been visiting a new church. And it was NOT getting to crunch time for us to decide whether to go to the next level and start Sunday School and stuff there. So, we did NOT go yesterday to hear just one more sermon to make our decision. And, by golly, the preacher did NOT resign yesterday! Are you kidding me? I mean we've NEVER heard a preacher resign before. NOT at all! In fact, it has NOT happened so much that every church in town is begging with open arms for us to start attending their church. A little black cloud does NOT follow us, I promise!

And the resignation did NOT cause the whole congregation to burst into tears. And Rhett did NOT echo my thoughts be leaning over and whispering, "Now's our brother-in-law's chance!" (He is a preacher currently without a church.) Of course, I did NOT burst into a cheesy grin while everyone around me was crying! Whatever! That is so rude! When we were dismissed, Rhett did NOT whisper "Run for the door!" because we both knew everyone would be crying and talking forever as they shook the preacher's hand. His comment did NOT make me laugh inside even harder and I did NOT shake that poor man's hand while laughing. I did NOT! My Southern manners are MUCH more genteel than that!

And when we got home from church, a fire truck did NOT roll up in front of our house with the lights flashing! I did NOT have a moment of panic thinking our house was on fire and we didn't know it! A fireman did NOT get out, run into the yard between mine and my sis's house, and run back to the truck yelling "No smell! No sign!" and take off. Whatever! That just does NOT happen! I mean, you would think someone called 911 on our house or something.

Finally, one of my fears did NOT come true this weekend. When our collie puppy Rocky was playing with my sister's yellow lab Honey, he did NOT get tangled up in Honey's cable. Seriously, the cable was NOT tangled up around his abdomen and his back legs. And Honey was NOT dragging him around the yard with Rocky crying in pain. And, since I am NOT scared of Honey in the least, I did NOT scream for Rhett, who was NOT across the road talking to the paranoid neighbor that I think may have called the fire dept. on us. Seeing how I was NOT screaming and almost crying, BFG did NOT start crying her eyes out and screaming for her daddy. Rhett was NOT taking his sweet time and BFG and I were NOT screaming louder "Hurry, hurry!" And when Rhett got almost to us, I did NOT panic and just reach down and unhook Honey's cable. This was NOT a problem at all since Honey is NOT wild and huge. Needless to say, Rhett was NOT a bit frustrated with me especially after chasing Honey for 15 minutes trying to get her back on her cable. Hee hee!

Happy Not Me-ing!
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

First of all, I absolutely did NOT get fertility advice from the Publix worker who was passing out steak samples. And the worker was NOT a guy! Whatever! Who discusses their infertility with the sample-giver-outer much less a strange man? Not me! And it did NOT creep me out in the least!

Speaking of infertility, I did NOT have my first visit with the reproductive endocrinologist. I did NOT go thinking that a consult visit would consist of me and the doc talking in his office. So, I was NOT shocked to realize I had to do a full-fledged exam (if ya' DON'T know what I mean). The whole thing of even going to a fertility doctor is NOT so emotional I was almost in tears while waiting in my backwards gown in a darkened room waiting to be looked up one side and down the other. I also did NOT notice a jar of cond*ms on the counter of the room. I did NOT wonder what they could possibly be for and I absolutely did NOT find out. 'Cause there is NO WAY I had some funky wand-type ultrasound thingy done. Whatever! NONE of this even happened! I just sat FULLY CLOTHED in a plush doctor's office talking with the doc! Oh and the doc did NOT tell me I had to cut back on my coffee!!! And if he did, I would RUSH to comply. 'Cause I am so NOT addicted to coffee. Who needs it anyway? Not me!

We did NOT go to a hippie burrito joint this weekend. While we were there, I did NOT notice a little display section where people sculpt things out of their foil wrappers from their burritos. I did NOT ask Rhett to sculpt something to put up there. I was NOT really excited when he said he would. All of the other sculptures were NOT of cute animals and cars and stuff. So of all the things in the world that could be sculpted, Rhett did NOT choose to sculpt a gun. No way! And BFG was NOT thrilled and did NOT think the gun was for her. And I did NOT give it to her because of course, I wanted to put it on display with all the hippie animal sculptures since hippies are ALL ABOUT guns and stuff. Since it did NOT become BFG's, when she got up for a drink refill these words absolutely did NOT come out of my mouth very loudly twice: "Leave your gun on the table". Oh, please. That would alert the whole restaurant to the fact we were being the world's BEST parents. Ya' know, cause the general public does NOT believe kids playing with toy guns is wrong or anything.

Happy Not Me-ing!
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

First of all, I am NOT thrilled that Baby Stellan is home!!!

I did NOT get out BFG's wooden barn the other day for the first time in a very long time. She did NOT play with it on my bed that had freshly laundered sheets. When she was finished, I did NOT notice little brown "sprinkles"inside the barn. That's right. I absolutely did NOT let my 4 yr. old play with a toy full of mouse poop. Are you kidding me? I ALWAYS check ALL of her toys for mouse poop before allowing her to play with them! Doesn't everybody? And, of course, NONE of the poop got on my clean sheets because if it had I would have rushed to change them right away.

I have NOT been hearing myself losing my marbles one by one over the past week. NOT at all. A good mother would NOT go insane being trapped in the house with a very sick child, a wild puppy, and torrential rains. And the day BFG got better, I did NOT start getting sick myself. And the very next day, BFG did NOT get sick a second time with the illness I do NOT have. That is so NOT me! I handle stress and sickness and puppy destruction with TOTAL grace. Besides, it's NOT supposed to rain the rest of the rest week too. We have NOT reached our average rain totals for the month of May in the first few days.

During one of our trips outside (which was just for the fun of it---NOT to let our puppy Rocky run off some energy), BFG did NOT accidentally let go of her Croc while washing it in the creek. Come on! Who lets their sick child play in the creek anyway? Since it had NOT been raining for 4 days straight, the Croc did NOT go rushing downstream into a spot I couldn't reach. And I did NOT want to throw up because Crocs are SO INexpensive and I knew that BFG would NOT be upset at all to lose her beloved Dora Crocs. And I did NOT buy them on clearance last summer and that did NOT make them all the more precious to me. Because NONE of the above happened, I did NOT spend 20 minutes trying to fish for the Croc with a Barbie fishing pole. NOT me! That SO obviously would never work! Then, I did NOT drag wood from the chicken coop to try to make a bridge to the Croc. Why would I drag the wood? It was SO light and EASY to carry. I had NOT almost succeeded when Rhett got home and saved the day. Rhett was NOT BFG's hero and I got JUST as much thanks as he did. NOT that I expected it or anything since I did NOT spend at least 45 minutes trying to get her shoe for her.

A character from our local news was NOT at story hour. I totally did NOT want to go to see this icon from my childhood! For some reason, BFG was ECSTATIC about going! And, we did NOT have an argument over going. BFG did NOT scream "I don't wanna see a man dressed up in a penguin suit!" Being the mature person I am, I did NOT scream back, "Please! I just wanna go see him! How could you do this to me?" Whatever! No self-respecting 31 yr. old would sink to this level! And, by the way, BFG did NOT win this argument.

Finally, I did NOT get to have a grown-up girl sleepover at my friend's house with our stay-at-home mom's club! We did NOT have a blast either! After we ate, we did NOT go to this divine bakery to indulge even more. NOT us! We HATE food! One friend and I are NOT so cheap that it took us 15 minutes to decide what to get. And the teenage boys working there were NOT making fun of us. And our friends were NOT pretending like they didn't even know us. We did NOT end up splitting a dessert either. And we were NOT so busy counting out pennies at the register that I did NOT leave my doggie bag from dinner on the counter. And that did NOT upset me in the LEAST!

Happy NOT Me-ing!
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

First of all, Sunday was NOT a perfect, gorgeous spring day. We totally did NOT go to a state park and hike around to some beautimus waterfalls. And, of course, we did NOT make BFG walk the trails with us for 2 hours! And BFG and I were NOT whining and griping and about to drop by the end. We are so NOT like that! And BFG's favorite part of the whole trip was NOT the very cheesy time tunnel at the visitor center just because it had a black light and made her shirt look cool. Whatever!



BFG did NOT spray the cat with air freshener for fun. And she does NOT call it "the air conditioner." And we NEVER have a confusing conversation every time she talks about using it.



BFG did NOT strip down to the buff the other evening and tell us she needed some air. And while being in the buff, she totally did not run around the house singing, "I am a girl like Mocha!" Mocha is NOT our cat. And I am NOT wondering if BFG has reached some developmental milestone about anatomy.



And the biggest thing I did NOT do this week was NOT during my research on collie dogs. I did NOT google "rough collie message boards" trying to find out pros and cons of owning this breed. And since I did NOT google that, I totally did NOT find one that I clicked on and found an adorable picture of a collie. And then I did NOT proceed to click on the messages and the messages were NOT all lonely women in need of a different kind of companionship if ya' DON'T know what I mean. I am NOT so naive that I skimmed down through them waiting to see someone mention their collie dog. I did NOT for a split second think it was a site for single people who own collies to meet. And I did NOT get suspicious when no one mentioned their dog at all.



Finally, I am NOT going to be offline for (gasp! panic attack!) two or three days while our bathroom floor is being ripped out and replaced. Because it is NOT our only bathroom and I do NOT have to go stay at my parents'.



Happy Not Me-ing!
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


I have absolutely NOT let BFG get addicted to video games! Are you kidding me? When we were pregnant, Rhett and I swore we would not let that happen. So, obviously, I would NEVER let a video game entertain her while I get stuff done around the house. Please! Oh, and BFG totally did NOT claim she loved the video game more that Rhett during a tantrum in an effort to get to play it more. Ha! That would mean she's totally addicted which she's NOT!


After a year of living in this house, I did NOT have a light bulb moment the other day where I finally figured out that the wire rack on the wall in my pantry is for hanging brooms and such. Oh, I figured that out the MINUTE we moved in and have NOT tried hanging a gazillion different things there trying to figure out what it was. NOT me!


On Thursday while fixing dinner, I so did NOT drop Rhett's plate of food on my foot in my hurry to get to the TV to watch Survivor. Whatever! I do NOT even like TV or Survivor and I have much more important things going on than who gets voted off. And the plate totally did NOT land edge side down right on top of my foot and it totally did NOT hurt one bit. And EVERYONE came rushing to my aid to see if I was all right. 'Cause that's the kind of family I have---NOT the kind that just keeps on keeping on without even a holler to ask if I'm all right. We are just overflowing with compassion!


I did NOT let BFG fall off a piece of playground equipment. Of course not! That would mean that I was busy talking to my friend and didn't stop her from climbing on something I normally shoo her away from. She did NOT drop 6-7 feet straight down and land on her back. And I was so NOT standing right there and I did NOT consider catching her but was afraid my efforts would move her and make her knock her head. And, of course, I have NOT laid in bed at night replaying the scenario in my head over and over wondering if I could have caught her.


My sister and I did NOT have another episode at Hancock Fabrics. Seriously, we NEVER have any problems there. We even make a point to go together because everything goes so WELL. Every bolt of fabric we touch does NOT miraculously fall to the ground. Are you kidding me? Never! And if it did, you would NOT see both of us looking like a game of Twister desperately grabbing bolts of fabric while the whole display is collapsing around us while we laugh uncontrollably. Oh, and the material we bought is NOT still waiting to be sewn. We came home and made the tops for the girls IMMEDIATELY 'cause we're like that. If we have an idea, it is done---NO unfinished projects around our houses!


This conversation did NOT happen between me and Rhett on a spring-like Saturday when Rhett was on the computer:
Me: Just want to let you know, I opened a few windows.
Rhett: I've still got them.
Me: What? I opened a few windows.
Rhett: I know. I' ve still got them open.
Me: What are you talking about? I opened the windows. I'm just letting you know.
Rhett: I've still got them open!!! (as he gestured at the computer with the mouse)
Oh, those windows! We are NOT so addicted to the computer that we mixed up real windows with internet windows. We are so above that!

Happy Not Me-ing!
Mama Said

Dinner Gone Wild!

The Menu:

Monte Cristo Sandwiches

The Step I Accidentally Forgot:

Spray the griddle with non-stick cooking spray.

But here's what happened after I realized my mistake:

Whoops!

What I Served My Family (or How It Turned Out):

Is this a mess or what?

Burnt, topless, still have raw egg in them Monte Cristo sandwiches.

Can you believe they ate them?

How I Made Up For It:

Homemade Banana Cake with Peanut Butter Frosting

(which is so divine I literally am eating a bite of it every 15 minutes)

Have good weekend, ya'll!
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

Man, we did so much not me-ing this week I’m not sure I can fit it all in! Actually, BFG did NOT say so much funny stuff this week that I am NOT going to save hers and do a special BFG Not Me! next week. That will cut this week’s down tremendously.

• First off, I absolutely did NOT spend the week staring at a glass of BFG’s milk that Rhett left sitting on the bookcase. I was NOT filled with such dread of cleaning up curdled milk that I did NOT just let it sit there and sit there all week until it was so curdled that the liquid was completely clear with the offending clump on the bottom. And even then, it was NOT Rhett who finally brought it into the kitchen, where I still did NOT let it sit for a couple of more days before summoning up the courage to toss it. Whatever! I am such a better housekeeper than that and yucky stuff like that does NOT turn my stomach at all!
  
• I also did NOT come home from the grocery store and did NOT realize that in the same trip, I did NOT buy deep fried frozen mozzarella cheese sticks and fat-free sour cream. What? Who would do that? I mean I’m the one who does NOT poke fun of people who order a triple-fudge ice cream sundae with a Diet Coke. And I did NOT have some sort of brain glitch that must have made me think in the moment that the fat-free sour cream would somehow make up for fat in the cheese sticks. Oh, please! We all know how HEALTHY mozzarella cheese sticks are---so why would I even think that?

• I did NOT spend an hour and a half playing a game of sudoku on a website for kids. And the game was absolutely NOT set on the easy level. And I did NOT spend so long playing it because I couldn't win it no matter how hard I tried. Yeah, right. Like that happened. I'm so much smarter than that. Come on! I was valedictorian and summa cum laude for Pete's sake! I am so NOT losing brain cells every day.
  
  
• When I was desperate to paint this week and BFG was desperate to skip her nap, I NO WAY, NO HOW let her skip her nap if she promised to take care of herself while I painted assuring her that I would not be able to help her unless she was bleeding. I am SO much more responsible than that. And she did NOT say in her sweet 4-yr-old voice, “I’ll try, Mama. I’ll try to take care of myself.” And she did NOT take care of herself way better than I do. In fact, it did NOT go so well that I did NOT consider putting her in charge of herself more often.
  
  
• Finally, Rhett and I were NOT unloading my car one night this week when it was NOT raining and BFG did NOT lock us out of the house. And Rhett and I did NOT both scream at the top of our lungs, “Open the door!” And I absolutely did NOT realize two seconds later that I had the keys! And BFG is NOT so smart that she somehow kept us locked out despite my best efforts to unlock the door. She is NOT that much faster than us. Since we do NOT have deadbolts, she totally did NOT lock one lock as I unlocked the other at a maddening pace until I did NOT scream bloody-murder style, “TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THE DOOR RIGHT NOW OR YOU HAVE HAD IT!!!!” That proves this NEVER happened because I NEVER yell at my child.

Have fun Not Me-ing, ya'll!

Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

BFG did NOT ask Rhett "How come Mama can't dance?" Rhett did NOT reply, "You don't think she can?" And BFG absolutely did NOT say, "Nooo, she's awful! Why can't she dance beautiful like me?"

Rhett and I did NOT spend Valentine's Day painting which of course did NOT lead to any fussing and nagging. And Rhett was NOT sick the whole weekend. And I did NOT keep forgetting he was sick and I absolutely did NOT hammer him all weekend with my fussing and whining and nagging. What? I would NEVER do that anyway. Oh, and we are not on Day 3 of another 1 day project.

My nephew did NOT come over to our house and start doing impressions of my dad. He did NOT call my dad a cheapskate. Of course, Rhett and I were NOT rolling on the floor laughing. And my nephew did NOT go to my dad's house the next day and confess to my dad and apologize for calling him a cheapskate at our house, which did NOT lead my dad to believe we were all sitting around here talking about him.

Finally, I NO WAY, NO HOW, did NOT discover I have been feeding my family Mexican vanilla that is poison. Whatever! Who would do that? Because of course you can trust a big bottle of Mexican vanilla bought at the Mennonites for $5.00. Just because it looks like it is in a used water bottle and the peeling off label is completely in Spanish does NOT mean you can't trust it. Oh, please. My mom did NOT warn me about this a couple of months ago. And I did NOT just now look it up. And the brand of vanilla I have has NOT been listed on the FDA's poison list since 1998. And we totally have NOT used a third of the bottle over the past couple of years. And I did NOT discover this right after I had made a cake with best frosting ever, which I did NOT continue to eat even though I knew it was made with poison. And I did NOT think with every bite that each bite could be the last bit of poison needed to put me into kidney or liver failure. And of course, I threw the Mexican vanilla away immediately and did NOT wait until I had a chance to go to the store and buy some more. Since NONE of this happened, I am NOT really sad because the poison vanilla was the NOT best I've had in my life and did NOT make people think I was a much better cook than I really am.

Happy Not Me-ing!
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

I had a totally Not Me! weekend. It was so NOT bad that I can't even remember the rest of my week.

For starters, I did NOT send BFG off to my parents with her cousins to spend the night so we could have some peace while painting the foyer. I would NEVER do that because painting is SO much easier with your child running around helping. And, when I went to pick her up, BFG was NOT sick and had NOT been suffering from a fever and headache for two days. What kind of mother doesn't realize her child is sick for goodness sake!

And we did NOT prop her up with Tylenol and a bunch of movies the next day so we could finish painting. A sick child in my home ALWAYS get the equivalent of hospital care. Besides, that would mean that our one-day project did NOT turn into a two-day project because that has NOT happened with every project I've tackled in this house.

Oh, and how Rhett LOVES to paint! Taping and trimming are his absolute FAVORITE past times. Who wouldn't enjoy it? Especially those of us who have NOT been painting the inside of this old house for a year. And I have to say the second day of painting was NOT stressful at all. Rhett and I were NOT on each others nerves one little bit.

I absolutely did NOT, NO WAY position the ladder in a doorway and I did NOT climb up it full speed only to NOT hit my head on the top of the doorway. Come on! I'm an EXPERIENCED painter and would never do that. And it did NOT hurt at all. So, I did NOT burst into tears and I did NOT sob like a baby and I did NOT scream for Rhett to stop looking at me and leave me alone. And for the next 30 minutes, I did NOT start bawling and laughing a hysterical laugh every time I thought about it, which did NOT further prove to Rhett that he did NOT indeed marry a crazy woman. Oh, and I did NOT end up with a very sore lump on my head.

Now, our evening that followed was NOT ugly at all. Especially since both of us were NOT tired and NOT ill and I had totally NOT let BFG skip her nap that day. Oh, and we had eaten ALL day long and were NOT hungry in the least.

BFG did NOT spend 30 minutes screaming and bawling about wanting to sleep on the couch last night. She would NEVER throw a fit like that! And she would NEVER take her tantrum back and forth between us trying to get one of us to give. And I was NOT in the bath during this 30 minutes and was NOT interrupted at all. I did NOT scream at her that this was exactly why she had better not ever ask to skip her nap again either.

And when I got out of the bath, I did NOT whine to Rhett "Do you know what this (the tantrum) means? I'll never get her bath done!" And Rhett did NOT proceed to turn to BFG and say, "You can sleep on the couch if you take your bath." I did NOT stand there frozen in shock and anger because I had NOT been looking forward to a little time by myself to read the paper and watch Desperate Housewives. And I did NOT say "How could you do this to me?!?!" as if my very life was over. And BFG did NOT come to me and say, "Well, Daddy's the boss and he said I can sleep on the couch!" and skip happily away.

I did NOT handle the whole incident immaturely at all. I did NOT stomp my feet and did NOT slam a few doors. That would set such a horrible example to BFG which I NEVER do. Oh, and I was so NOT mad that I did NOT argue with Rhett when he tried to unload the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen. I was NOT irrational at all while screaming that he'd better not unload the dishwasher. I mean, what wife would scream at her husband not to help. That's insane.

By the way, I do NOT have PMS. Are you kidding me?
Mama Said

Not Me! Monday

Let's start with the small stuff:

• I absolutely did NOT let BFG go about two weeks without brushing her teeth. After all, I am much more responsible than that and her dental health is one of my top priorities.

• I did NOT put dirty knives that Rhett had "washed" back into the wood block because I was NOT scrambling like mad to get my house clean for a play date. Who would do that? And everyone who knows me knows that my house is the epitome of cleanliness and is ALWAYS prepared for any guests we might have esp. ones who are NOT coming over for the first time.

• I absolutely, sure-fire did NOT freeze in fear when BFG choked on a mint Lifesaver. Come on, I have had 5 years of Child CPR/First Aid Training and I know just what to do in ANY emergency. I would NEVER freeze while my mind is flipping through the pages of the first aid book trying to decide what to try first while BFG is screaming Mama! through the hole of the Lifesaver in her throat. And, of course, I did NOT consider throwing her down to the floor to do a finger-sweep of her mouth before trying anything else. That would be ridiculous. And Rhett did NOT come running after minutes of my paralysis ready to break her ribs if necessary to get out the Lifesaver. And my fear of him doing so did NOT spring me into action and cause me to start pounding on her back til she gagged up the candy. Seriously, I am well-trained for these situations and this scenario would NEVER happen in my home.

• Finally, Rhett and I did NOT go to Wal-Mart Saturday night for our date. That would be way too pathetic and besides, going to Wal-Mart with BFG is SO much more fun and SUCH a pleasure. And I did NOT, NO-WAY, NO-HOW walk around Wal-Mart passing gas because I'd eaten way too much dinner. Are you kidding me? That would be so rude. And so embarrassing especially when I did NOT realize one of my former students and her dad were following me around trying to figure out if it was really me or not. Oh, and she is so NOT 10 years old now and the whole experience did NOT make me feel incredibly old.

Have a fun Not Me! day,

Mama Said