Not Me! Monday

Man, we did so much not me-ing this week I’m not sure I can fit it all in! Actually, BFG did NOT say so much funny stuff this week that I am NOT going to save hers and do a special BFG Not Me! next week. That will cut this week’s down tremendously.

• First off, I absolutely did NOT spend the week staring at a glass of BFG’s milk that Rhett left sitting on the bookcase. I was NOT filled with such dread of cleaning up curdled milk that I did NOT just let it sit there and sit there all week until it was so curdled that the liquid was completely clear with the offending clump on the bottom. And even then, it was NOT Rhett who finally brought it into the kitchen, where I still did NOT let it sit for a couple of more days before summoning up the courage to toss it. Whatever! I am such a better housekeeper than that and yucky stuff like that does NOT turn my stomach at all!
  
• I also did NOT come home from the grocery store and did NOT realize that in the same trip, I did NOT buy deep fried frozen mozzarella cheese sticks and fat-free sour cream. What? Who would do that? I mean I’m the one who does NOT poke fun of people who order a triple-fudge ice cream sundae with a Diet Coke. And I did NOT have some sort of brain glitch that must have made me think in the moment that the fat-free sour cream would somehow make up for fat in the cheese sticks. Oh, please! We all know how HEALTHY mozzarella cheese sticks are---so why would I even think that?

• I did NOT spend an hour and a half playing a game of sudoku on a website for kids. And the game was absolutely NOT set on the easy level. And I did NOT spend so long playing it because I couldn't win it no matter how hard I tried. Yeah, right. Like that happened. I'm so much smarter than that. Come on! I was valedictorian and summa cum laude for Pete's sake! I am so NOT losing brain cells every day.
  
  
• When I was desperate to paint this week and BFG was desperate to skip her nap, I NO WAY, NO HOW let her skip her nap if she promised to take care of herself while I painted assuring her that I would not be able to help her unless she was bleeding. I am SO much more responsible than that. And she did NOT say in her sweet 4-yr-old voice, “I’ll try, Mama. I’ll try to take care of myself.” And she did NOT take care of herself way better than I do. In fact, it did NOT go so well that I did NOT consider putting her in charge of herself more often.
  
  
• Finally, Rhett and I were NOT unloading my car one night this week when it was NOT raining and BFG did NOT lock us out of the house. And Rhett and I did NOT both scream at the top of our lungs, “Open the door!” And I absolutely did NOT realize two seconds later that I had the keys! And BFG is NOT so smart that she somehow kept us locked out despite my best efforts to unlock the door. She is NOT that much faster than us. Since we do NOT have deadbolts, she totally did NOT lock one lock as I unlocked the other at a maddening pace until I did NOT scream bloody-murder style, “TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THE DOOR RIGHT NOW OR YOU HAVE HAD IT!!!!” That proves this NEVER happened because I NEVER yell at my child.

Have fun Not Me-ing, ya'll!

Mama Said