My Happy Quest

Finally, some time to share my happy quest with you! I'm actually in a very happy place right now thanks to the muscle relaxers my doc gave me to try to ease the pain I've had in my shoulder for years. At the risk of sounding like an addict (I'm not. I promise.), isn't it so cool to legally feel this good? If you said no, you are lying! LOL! It does get old after a while, but I have no problem with kicking back for a few days.

Anyway, I recently decided that I am going to force myself to be happy. Hence, the Happy Quest began. The thing is I really am very, very happy. I'm just not good at showing it. During my prayer journal time, I thank the Lord for my happiness all the time and will just sit in the quiet in awe of the happiness I have that I do not deserve. But in the daily grind, I nag, complain, gripe, yell, etc. What happens? Why can't I get that overflowing happiness out of my body flowing to my family?

Several things went into the decision for the Happy Quest.

1. My friend is going through a terrible time in her life and my daily counsel to her is to be happy and upbeat and not nagging and complaining. Isn't that ridiculous? How can I tell her to do that in the middle of a terrible time when I can't do it during good times? The kicker is for the most part she IS doing it, which makes me feel like a bigger loser that I'm not doing it.
2. I realized that Rhett and I don't have fun anymore. Oh, we love each other deeply and enjoy being together and all that. But we don't just have plain ol' silly fun like we used to. In the past, we've had to leave musuems and planetariums because we were laughing so hard. That just doesn't happen anymore. Part of that is 'cause we are responsible adults now. Part of it is we are set in our routines now. But part of it too is that I obsessively worry about everything which takes the fun right out of everything.
3. I just woke up one day sick of being thirty and walking around here in pain like I'm sixty. I should not be in this bad of shape and I'm tired of putting everything off and living with all this pain.
4. I'm sick of thinking about (okay, obsessing about) my infertility.

My Happy Quest Goals:

• Act/Be happy toward my family.
• Plan fun things for us to do as a family/couple (includes me loosening up). I've been working on this. Last Saturday, I even walked with BFG across an old dam crossing a creek and the three of us walked an unmarked nature trail. This may not sound big, but it was for me. I just knew BFG was going to slip off the dam and crush her skull on the rocks below and I kept waiting for some sicko with a knife to jump out from behind a tree. That's the kind of stuff I battle with in my mind and keeps us from having fun. I've been telling ya'll I am crazy.
• Go to all the necessary doctors and to live as pain-free as possible. Now you see why I've been going to all the doctors? Pray for me that the Lord will equip these doctors and heal my pain.
• Stop letting infertility take such a large presence in my life. I'm just sick of it. I'm gonna have the laperoscopy in the fall. Then, I am just done! It's all in God's hands anyway, but after that I feel like I've done my part. I'm just so tired of constantly thinking when, if, etc. Tired of making decisions based on well, I might be pregnant then. Or wouldn't this be cute if we had a baby by next year. Whatever. You get my drift. And I'm tired of hanging on to all BFG's old stuff for that someday, what if, maybe. I even sold a whole bunch of it at a consignment sale last week. I just want to move forward with the family God has already given me.

Whew! That feels good to let that all out. I'm off to relax with my muscle relaxer now!

Mama Said