What The Heck?!?!?!

Ya'll will not believe this . . .

I freakin' started this morning! On Day 21!!! And I'm not talking about spotting. I'm talking the flood gates were released. There is no question that I started and am not pregnant. I am just in total shock. Totally not expecting this today. I just had IUI last Wednesday! How did this happen? Plus, I don't think I even ovulated during the IUI time. My right ovary (where the eggs were this time and the one with the cyst) was hurting like ovulation pains on Saturday. So, how the heck did I start today? I am so confused and I feel like calling the clinic and being like I want my money back! I'm not surprised that I'm not pregnant. Just floored that I started so early. It's like we didn't even have a chance.

To me, this is a reminder that God is in control of this. No matter how well the hormones, shots, and IUI are timed, God has His own plan and He doesn't work under OUR restrictions. It also really, really makes me and Rhett think that we will not try IUI again after the polyp surgery. I feel like my body is so out of whack now after all the medications, how can this even be timed anyway? With no meds, my cycle works like clockwork. Why am I messing with that? Seriously, we have God on our side which gives us the greatest odds there is.

Despite my weekend plans being thrown off by starting, I do feel joy. I feel freedom. Released from an emotional torture we've endured for 3 and half years. We feel we have finally done everything in our power on our end. We feel we can finally rest in the Lord as He works out whatever plan He has in store for us and have peace of mind that there is nothing else we can be doing. I'm still going to have the polyp surgery. I want that sucker out of there so that it can't develop into cancer. But after that, we are free to move forward and stop being in limbo living from two-week point to two-week point. We are FREE! We are proclaiming thanks for the blessings we have already been showered with and gonna roll around in 'em for a while and stop waiting and wishing for what may never be. And I thank the Lord for our trials for it makes us blessed and sharpened to be used for His Kingdom.

Now, I'm no fool. I still want another baby. I wish with all my heart that BFG could have a sibling. So, I know there will still be some rough roads and sad times ahead. But it will just be different in my Spirit. I can't really explain it, but I know someone out there understands.

Mama Said